Disclaimer: Naruto copyrighted Masashi Kishimoto.
Summary: What's this? Uchiha Sasuke has a secret lover? I wonder who it could possibly be. Crack to the extreme. One-shot.
Comments: I need help, I know.
“Hey, did you hear?”
“It’s finally happened!”
“No way! Who’s the lucky girl?”
“Dunno. I bet it’s-“ Whispers behind hand.
Giggles all around.
“Hey, who’s to say it’s a she?”
Gasp. “He is she gay!”
Naruto strolled towards the dango vendor, barely turned his head at the sound of the girls’ chatter. Being one of the more popular habits of Konoha women, gossip was a dime a dozen at the marketplace.
It was always the same topics too: who was seeing who; who was drunk grinding with whom at which new club; who wore that hideous leopard print A-line with those adorable black pumps.
He rolled his eyes and approached the vendor.
“Two sticks of botchan dango, please.”
Honestly, it was always romance, scandal, or fashion. Never once did he hear girls discussing, oh he didn't know, politics maybe?
Naruto watched the vendor snap his gloves and reach into a revolving heater box that held the dango.
“That’ll be two hundred yen,” he grunted.
Naruto pulled out his frog wallet and leafed through some bills. The man took the money then served him two skewers of dango, which Naruto promply stuck in his mouth to pocket his wallet.
“Oh. My. God. The Uchiha Sasuke?”
“Yeah! A secret lover I heard!”
The dango almost slid out of his mouth when his jaw hit the floor.
“Excuse me?” Naruto bravely poked his head into the ring of girls. Was Sakura's warning about ramen starch making his ears go bad really true? Did he just hear that-
“Sasuke’s got a girlfriend?” It was unbelievable. He didn’t believe it. This time, there was no 'dattebayo' at the end.
A brunette with a topknot and bangs turned towards him. Her previous gossipy expression gave way to annoyance as she glared at him. Obviously, she was the ring leader of their little posse.
“Yeah, or so says Yumi,” she said curtly. “Who are you again?”
Ignoring her question, Naruto ventured, “Are you sure?” because he was close to hyperventilation by now. Never, never, did he think that Sasuke would grow a pair and get a girlfriend before he himself did.
"I heard him say it myself," a girl who he supposed was Yumi piped up. "He was in the Kandy Shaup-" she gestured behind her with a thumb, "looking at the store's Hello Panda selection."
Hello Panda? The delicious bite-sized chocolate-goo-filled biscuits that were second on the KSS (Konoha Snack Sales) charts only to Pocky? What would Sasuke be doing buying those? He didn't eat sweets.
"He was muttering to himself, 'Pumpkin Poo will be ecstatic if I buy Hello Panda biscuits. They're Poo Bear's favorites. But which flavor to purchase...?' I swear it, he said that!" she added when Naruto shot her a disbelieving look.
Because seriously, who would believe it? The phrases "Pumpkin Poo", "ecstatic", "Hello Panda", or "Poo Bear" coming out of Sasu-stick-in-ass-ke's mouth? No way in hell.
So of course, to ruin Naruto's assumptions, the one and only Sasuke walked out of the brightly decorated store holding a plastic bag labeled "Kandy Shaup".
Right there and then, Naruto decided that he'd lost all respect for his teammate.
Oh, his lord-of-noodles. Poo Bear? It couldn't be.
Naruto turned his traumatized expression back towards Yumi, who looked smugly at him. Well, it wasn't that bad was it? So the bastard found his 'significant other' and was being sappy in a candy store. Big deal. Now the real question was...
"Who do you think she is?" a girl voiced his thoughts.
"Uh," Yumi replied, "We've been over this already. He. is. gay. It's not a she, it's a he."
When the whole group, including Naruto, looked back at her with stupefied stares, she stereotypically flipped her hair and continued, "I mean, come on, did you see what he was wearing when ANBU bought him back? I'll tell you- an purple rope belt and an stripper yukata. Now that is a grade A fashion disaster."
"Hence proving that he is not gay," another girl shot back.
"Oh, my god, biased much? Not all gay men have a fashion sense."
"Hey, hey," Naruto cut in. "I'm fairly sure that the bastard is straight."
"Prove it," the black haired girl shot back. So she was in on this whole shounen-ai thing too? Naruto cringed.
"Well..." he racked his brain for an example. "Just last month I found a first edition copy of Icha Icha Odyssey on his table. That proves he's straight; that series is written by the most heterosexual male I know."
"Sasuke was picking up that novel for Kakashi-sensei," a new voice said. Naruto jumped when he saw who it was.
"Ah, Sakura-chan!" And indeed it was her, holding a burlap bag of groceries and leaning into their circle of "informants". She was wearing a sun dress and a faintly interested expression. Apparently, someone was appreciating this (very traumatizing) conversation. She nodded a greeting at him and grinned sadistically.
"Sasuke doesn't read Icha Icha, Naruto. Kakashi made him pick up a copy for him while he was bedridden in the hospital. It was on Sasuke's table because he'd just gotten back from the store." She smiled at him, and briefly he wondered if apocalypse was approaching because even Sakura was defending Sasuke's possible homosexuality.
"Billboard Brow," the brunette pack-leader interrupted Naruto's pending thoughts of doom.
"Ami Wannabe," Sakura shot back.
Sparks flew and Naruto, who was looking bewilderedly between the two girls, felt the tips of his hair singe.
"We were just discussing how Uchiha Sasuke has suddenly found a lover," Ami said snarly. "You must be heartbroken- I seem to recall you being infatuated with him."
Sakura snorted. "Sure, like five years ago." Which was true. Naruto noticed that Sakura hadn't tried to ask Sasuke out since he'd returned to Konoha. The 'Sasuke-kun' phase had ended with his criminal trials, too and the tears and angst thing eventually died on its own. Now, seventeen and strong, Sakura had officially moved on, and Naruto couldn't be prouder. When he dragged the bastard's sorry ass back to Konoha, he'd expected lots of tears, screaming, and hugging. And there were- just not as expected.
Okay, enough sasusaku angst.
Let's move back to the fact that, Sasuke was homosexual.
He shuddered. And he had been to the hot springs with that guy too.
It was just so perplexing, his one-track mind complained. Who exactly was Sasuke's secret love? That was a question that needed some hard-core debating, preferably with Sakura, but that seemed impossible at the moment. She and Ami both looked pissed enough to claw each other's eyes out.
"Ah... let's walk." He grabbed Sakura and dragged her away from the group of girls, who were now shooting suspicious looks at the two, probably trying to find cause for more rumors.
Sakura reluctantly allowed herself to be pulled from a possible bitch-fight and slung the burlap bag over her shoulder, while Naruto tossed his empty dango skewers into a near by trash can.
"Dango?" she joked. "Looks like the almighty Uzumaki does eat something other than ramen."
"Ichiraku was under construction," he said, sounding genuinely disappointed, and Sakura rolled her eyes.
They followed Sasuke's path, strolling down the marketplace basking in the afternoon sun. Children scurried around, adults bargained, vendors shouted. All was well. Except-
"So... who do you think it is?" Naruto asked. It was killing him. He needed to know, because that piece of information would give him license to poke fun at Sasuke for the rest of his life.
"You mean with Sasuke? Dunno," Sakura replied. "Who do you think?"
"It's probably someone we know, since teme doesn't do anything social on his own, and I refuse to accept that Sasuke is gay, so... Hinata maybe? Hiashi could be looking to unite the Uchiha and Hyuuga blood traits."
Sakura snorted. "Trust me. It's not her." She shot him a how-much-of-an-idiot-are-you look. Naruto raised an eyebrow, confused then shrugged and moved on.
"Ino, maybe?" he suggested.
"Nope. She's going out with Mendokusai-san," Sakura replied.
"Shikamaru? Wow. The lazy bum and the loud blond. I never thought they'd hit it off."
"You're one to talk about loud blondes. And speaking of odd couples..." She smiled a little and walked forward faster in a dead-straight line. "Don't look now but there are two certain someones sharing a frappuccino together in Le Cafe de Amour behind us."
Of course, that meant that Naruto had to turn his head back towards the quaint cafe that the two had just passed. He gasped then because just who do you think was sitting by the window seat looking at each other with simpering gazes?
"Neji and Tenten?" And indeed there they were. "Jeez, everyone's pairing up."
"Yeah..." Sakura sighed wistfully, and fell into step next to Naruto. The silence the reigned between the two was peaceful, and then-
"I still can't figure out who it is!" Naruto growled, frustrated. Sakura rolled her eyes. "How 'bout we mind our own business, Naruto, and forget about it?"
Sasuke smirked from his position on the roof of a nearby building. Those two buffoons- they had no idea. They couldn't even sense him eavesdropping. You see, when Sasuke exited Kandy Shaup, he immediately noticed Naruto's and Sakura's chakra, and picked up that they were talking about him. Being the super ninja that he is, he followed his two teammates down the streets and listened to their gossip. But oh how misguided they were; their guesses weren't even close.
He switched the bag of Hello Panda boxes from his left hand to his right and pushed off the building, leaving Naruto and Sakura without notifying them of his presence. It was time for him to go home to his lover, and at that thought his heart gave a happy little siezure of joy.
He smiled gaily and teleported to his house. Twisting his key in the lock, he pushed the door open and let drop the bag of snacks in the hallway. He shut the door behind him.
"Sweetie Cake?" he called into his house and flicked the lights. He walked down the hallway to his bedroom. The only thoughts traversing his mind were those of his lover's sweet caresses, soft hair, and whispered words of affection.
"Honey Bunch?" Naruto, Sakura, those girls- they knew nothing. His lover was far more gorgeous and amazing than anyone they had come up with. He entered his room and looked around, finally spotting his lover.
His beautiful, strong, smart, (insert gagging compliments here) lover.
His happy-meter upped a few notches as he walked towards the love of his life. "There you are."
"Where have you been?" his lover replied. "I missed you."
"Forgive me, I was at the marketplace. I bought you some Hello Panda biscuits."
"Oh, Sasu-chan. I love Hello Panda! You're the best! "
Sasuke smiled. "No,you're the best!"
"No, you are! You are my one true love, Sasu-chan. You... complete me," his lover added sincerely.
Sasuke smirked. "As you me. No one can compare to you." He reached out to stroke pale, soft skin and smiled. "No one." And as Sasuke's eyes traveled down his lover's soft ebony hair, expressive onyx eyes, aristocratic nose, and whatnot, he knew he'd spoken the truth.
Sasuke's reflection smiled back at him and sighed. "I love you, Sasu-chan."
Sasuke smirked at his wall mirror and leaned in for a kiss. "I love you too, Sasuke-kun."